As you may know, I will no longer be posting on this blog any longer. You can follow me on my new site called "O re:Stacks"
Thank you for all who have read this faithfully.
It's been good.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Today was messy. Today became ritualistic.
Today, it's scary how easily you can fall back into yesterday's habits.
I woke up this morning with such a different feeling. I had a dream.. a very very familiar dream that I have had about 30 (not exaggerating) times. When I had this dream before, it was the same concept night after night. It stopped shortly after school started in Fall 2009. To have this dream last night was pretty random to say the least, but I woke up feeling the same way I did every time previously; full, hopeful, and very sad it was just a dream.
Being full is such an interesting feeling. From being physically full, to mentally full, to socially full; there are so many aspects of our lives where we can consider ourselves filled to capacity. When you spend so much time being empty or incomplete, as soon as that starts to change, it can become uncomfortable. Fighting against completion is only natural, or so I am telling myself. It's a strange thought, being full, a thought that I've never really entertained. Maybe that is why I am fighting against it, because I've never felt what full feels like.
I am on my way there... to becoming whole that is. There will be a day when I realize that I deserve everything I aspire for. When that day comes (in the near future I believe) I will make my way to the couch after a meal, watch the Tigers game, and allow myself to be content.
As it hit the porcelain base, and I pushed it into the drain with the end of an old tooth brush... it became messy again. I can't deal with messy, so I used some comet. It has to stop, before it starts running on autopilot.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Is it possible to be addicted to two different drugs? Really? Who knows..... To each his own. Every drug has its different high, different outcome, different severity, and most importantly.. different level of addictive nature.
As I lay me down to sleep... I wonder... which high is strays, and which high lingers.
I am aware that this may make no sense what so ever... but in my mind where I brew knowledge that only I can understand.... it's crystal clear.
Monday, May 31, 2010
As you all know, I have been a sun worshiper lately. My skin has turned a nice golden brown and I have been enjoying not looking like a ghost. Sadly, the first day at Lake Michigan I didn't get any additional color accept a little splotch of pink on my shoulders. Yesterday however, I got fried. My legs literally felt as if they were on fire as soon as I got out of the sun. My face was blood red, and I was hopeful that it would go away come today. However, as I was flipping around in my bed last night, I forgot how bad the burn was and landed in pain every time. I woke up this morning completely sick to my stomach, a fever of 102, a sniffly nose, and felt as if my entire body had been skinned. My legs and face still have a surface temperature of 105 and still look completely blood red. I haven't had this bad of a burn since the British Virgin Islands, 2004, when I had a horrible case of sun poisioning.
So now I am thankful that this Memorial Day is sucky because I am stuck in bed, pushing the fluids with my legs wrapped in cool, but dry dressings. Taking a shower was probably the worst idea I have had in a while, seeing how blisters formed shortly thereafter. I am so bored and I hate just laying in bed. Your entertainment is and would be greatly appreciated.
Friday, May 28, 2010
When I found out that I was living on North Campus for freshman year I was beyond pissed. I was irate... SO MAD. I signed up for room swap instantly and actually had a room all picked out in Oxford. But then... I'm not exactly sure what happened, but things fell through and I just decided to accept the fact that I was living in Bursley. It wouldn't have hurt as much I think if I didn't apply to that stupid living learning community in Alice Lloyd... gosh I would have been sucha dork had I lived in Lloyd. But anyways..... I accepted it.
Upon move in day I was actually pleasantly surprised at how different (and nicer) it was than Markley, where I had lived for the summer. I was the very first person in my hall and because of that fact (I moved in 3 days before actual move in day) I just dropped stuff off and went back "home." If you would have asked me then I would have had no idea that that empty hall, 4th Van Hoosen, would become my home.
I joked around with my parents saying that I would have an easy time remembering which hall I was in because it had Van in the name. But if I am being honest, every time I approached the end of the east connector and saw the signs pointing to which way the halls went... I was thankful that I didn't see Van Duren at the beginning of the year because those Vans would have confused the heck out of me.
I have to admit that the first few days in the hall I was not very hopeful. I had a friend in 2nd Van Hoosen and hung out with those girls a lot. My roommate and I had made friends with the "tall guys" across the hall, one had a pretty impressive beard. Again.. if you would have asked me then I would have never been able to guess that I would have been doing one of those guy's laundry mid-semester. Other than that, we didn't talk to anybody. We went to dinner just us two for a couple days... and then the first football game came.
I had told Joe, who at the time went by "Joe Hall," that I was so sad I didn't get football tickets. On that first football saturday, when everyone was making their way down the Big House.. I was super depressed. However, Joe called me randomly from a Bursley Baits bus saying that a girl would sell me her extra ticket that her roommate had, and she happened to live in 2nd Van Hoosen. Talk about fucking fate right there. Getting a ticket to that first football game was the start to a lot, a lot of things. I went to the game with my roommate, my neighbor, and a friend of his. When he told me her name I actually remember myself thinking of lots of suckers and various pieces of gum. My roommate left the game early... leaving me with our neighbor and quite honestly I didn't really know what to do with him because I hadn't really talked to him before this point. So, we walked home together, or to the bus stop I should say, and actually had a pretty deep conversation for sitting curbside. We went back to the Burs and I decided to treat us to our first of many Blue Apple pizzas that my neighbor sooooo promised he'd return the favor sometime in the year, and since it was the beginning I believed him.... but I'm still waiting on that whole pizza :P
That night the very, very first brick of the next 8 months was laid. I remember it like it was yesterday. The receptors in my nose still hadn't adjusted to the smell of the dorm yet, and it was rather warm inside. I can remember laying in my bed, with my mysterious new neighbor along side of me. We chatted for a while, but there was an instant, where we both locked eyes, and in that moment of time, we were stuck. We were completely lost in each other, or at least I was completely lost in him. I remember looking into his eyes feeling like I had known him for years, but yet knew absolutely nothing about him, or what would happen in the next 8 months. I still believe that it was that moment, before I knew anything about him or even myself, that I fell completely in love with him. Even though I claim that I didn't know it then, apart of me did.
It was after my relationship with my mysterious neighbor developed that I had the confidence to reach out to other people in the hall. But it wasn't really until the Ohio State game that I met my true soul mates. For some odd reason this girl a couple of rooms down from me came into Joe's room as we were playing COD and started talking about this guy named Steven (not her boyfriend)... who I happened to have had history with... and that led us into a tour of her room. I was honestly a little scared when I walked in and saw all these signs all over the place saying things like "Sweat before you get wet" or "Don't Eat That" well maybe not those exact words but you get the point. Turns out however, once they pulled out their No No Box I fell in love again... only with these girls, and I knew that we had to be friends. Little did they know I had a No No Drawer of my own. They came to my birthday dinner, made me cute cards and gave me a random assortment of party things. From there on, our friendship with each other only blossomed. I now consider these two girls, or "The Celebrities of the Hall," my absolute best friends who are going to be at my fucking wedding.
Then there was muffin boy. I was sitting out in the elevator lobby by myself studying when this dark boy, who happened to have very western facial features, offered me a muffin. I couldn't resist, and within 5 minutes he had his chair, book bag, and bag full of muffins out at the table with me. It was the start of a beautiful friendship. Like said before, there was just this moment where I made a note to myself that I knew that I would look back on, and that it would make sense. This boy has put up with SO much of my crap I can't even begin to explain. From being my on call, 24 hours a day 7 days a week shrink, to holding my vomit bag in the back of the cab.. to rubbing my back and drying my tears when my heart got shattered so many times.. to never saying "I told you so," somewhere in between all of that, muffin boy also became one of my best friends. Thus, "Cause we're the 5 best friends that anyone could have" originated.
I could go on for paragraphs and paragraphs about what an amazing 8 months it was living in 4th Van Hoosen, but I think it was pretty self explanatory in the ones above. The thing is, I was so upset when I found out I was living on North Campus, thought of it as a death sentence nonetheless. Something that appeared to be so horrible and tragic, turned out to be one of the best, if not the best experience of my life thus far. There are so many individuals in 4VH whose presence in my life shaped who I am today; and for that I will forever be grateful. My roommate, who taught me to be tolerable. The tall guys across from me, who were my protectors. My mysterious neighbor, who I am still completely in love with and still remains a mystery to me. My Big Mike and Little Robbie who always provided me with a laugh on the way to the bathroom as they stared into their computers. My one ZTA sister, who kept my crown on straight. My second best, who gave great massages and would do just about anything for me. My son, who kept quiet even when I didn't (whoops :P). My GALEN, who is too righteous for any other name but her own, that allowed me to sleep in her bed after nights I couldn't exactly make it up to mine. My R.A., who provided me with tons of advice and balloon animals (they get expensive!) My Sergeant Snacky, who provided my drunken nights with "pizza nuggets." My fellow redheads, who made me less self conscious about my own head of red.
And my best friends: muffin boy and the celebrities of the hall, who loved me when it was hard to love myself.
The point is; sometimes something happens that seems like the end of the world... but it's what you make of it. Something great can come from just about anything, if you want it to. Maybe something that hurts so much now... in a few months from now will finally make sense... and in that moment of realization..it will all be worth it.
It may seem like the end of the world now, but in reality it may only be the beginning.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
It's hard when so many things around you make you want to use. It could be something as simple as hearing a song, finding an old t-shirt, coming across a picture, or even just laying in bed. It doesn't matter what you do, how hard you try, if you really stop thinking about the hectic life around you.. it'll creep up. It'll slowly enter your conscious and sooner than you know it, it's all you can think about. Why is it so easy one moment, but so hard the next? And why is it so easy to go from one to the other. Even though you are aware of the reality that you are an addict, and that you need the drug, not the other way around, you can't hope that maybe someday.... it will need you.
To go completely off topic, I never thought I would grow so attached to "aquacise." It has become the highlight of my week. The old women are just so happy to see me, and I got to help instruct the class today. However, if I take one thing from this class it's this: do not talk to anyone over the age of 65 about politics. You will not win.