Heroine

The thing about drugs is that they trick you into believing you need them. That with out them, your life will be painful. Once you become addicted, you need the drug. It doesn't need you... and that is the way it will always be. A hopeless addict... shooting up at the littlest sign of discomfort. You hope that the drugs will fill that part of you that is missing.. that makes you want to use in the first place. But then you realize... especially after you see life without it.. that it doesn't really fill anything at all. 

The high wears off. It goes away; and you're stuck wanting more. It's only temporary... coming and going when it pleases. And then... when you least expect it, the urge to use is back almost as soon as it left. The only way to make it return is to surrender to it... to tell it you need it, tell it you want it and track it down, wait up for it into the darkest hours of the morning, tell it your sorry you went away. You're an addict... you'll do whatever it takes to get it back in your hands, even though it will do nothing to stay there. 

You are exactly my brand of heroine. 

Toolbox

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now. 

No I don't. Yes I do. I don't know. I want more than anything to feel like I can call you, talk to you, text you, feel like you haven't just disappeared from my life. But at the same time I'm so angry. But at the same time I miss you. But at the same time I don't want to talk to you. But at the same time the only thing I want is to talk to you. 

It's like a drug. Not a good drug, a bad one. You become addicted to it. You know it's so bad for you but once you're addicted... you need it to function. It becomes apart of who you are, it tells you you don't deserve better. It wants you to need it. Then something happens that makes you want to quit.. and you do. But then, the withdrawals kick in. You want more than anything to kill the urge by using, and it would be so, so easy to. All you would have to do is just shoot up.. and the pain is gone. It would feel so good. But you fight it because you know it's for the best... and that you'll get your life back on track. The pain you have to endure now is only temporary. You suffer a little bit now, in order to feel better later.

But it sure would feel good, to feel good now.   

The Big Kahuna

What would you keep from someone... if you knew that they'd never find out? 

Good friends tell friends things they should know. Good friends also keep things from friends until the time is right. Today, more than two months after...the time was right, and though I wish I would have knew sooner... a part of me is glad that I didn't. For once someone protected me from the truth. Because quite honestly... before this weekend, I probably couldn't have handled that piece of information. It's funny how certain people know you better than you know your self sometimes. I'm glad I know now.. and it's just one more of the many reasons as to why this is right. 

I hate hurting. I absolutely hate it. I wish I could just forgive like before... and move on. I wish that I could let go as easily as before... but this time it's not like that. See, every time that I forgive and move forward... there have been no repercussions for what has happened. Kind of like a get out of jail free card times seven. If any one is to blame for me getting hurt.. it is me. I let this happen to myself...I was trusting and I believed...and what happens.. the same thing that has happened multiple times before. That's what happens when you truly love someone; you get hurt. That's what happens when you don't truly love someone; you hurt them. 

History tends to repeat itself. So why am I so naive to think that it wouldn't just one more time? People don't just change. People lie. It's not that people can't, it's they don't want to. It's not that people forget, it's that it wasn't important enough to remember. Some people obtain happiness by receiving, and some people obtain happiness by giving. Which one are you?

One day.... I won't have to protect my heart from the person I love.... they'll want to protect it for me. Not only from them, but from the rest of the world and all the horrible things in it. One day there will be a person who couldn't imagine of ever hurting me...and will make it their sole purpose not to. One day someone will rightfully earn my trust, and not expect me to just believe in something that hasn't ever been shown. One day someone will be understanding and patient if they break my trust...and not get mad if I'm upset. One day someone will look at me and see more than enough, actually, they will see SO MUCH, and not emptiness. One day someone will come home with a piece of oreo cheesecake for me just because, and not because I had to ask (I said just because right?). One day someone will provide me with some metaphorical super glue to keep all the pieces of my heart together, instead of smashing it with a hammer. One day..someone will come along and make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else before.....and i'll believe it.

It'd be easy for me to deal with this situation exactly how I have in the past.... get mopey for a week or two..don't eat...etc etc.. but it's not going to be like that. In fact, I won't allow it to be like that. I looked back at my posts from when I was in a very similar, well almost exact situation a few weeks ago and decided to remind myself of my own advice. It is as followed: 

 "This is me damn it! I look the way I look, and my hair may not be one color but I find it intriguing. I think the way I think, I feel the way I feel, and I love the way I love.  I am a whole complex. Take me... or leave me. Accept me.. or walk away. You can sit and cry over the people who don't want you, or you can dream of the person that will. I'd much rather wait for the person who can assure me I'm everything (even if I am not), than to settle for someone who constantly questions if I am. 

I am good enough. And one day... someone will see that. But as of right now.. the only person I have to be good enough for, is myself. 

And I am."

On a happy note. Today was great. I spent most of it with Saddish. I never knew it was possible to miss someone that much. It is truly relieving to know I have such a great friend who knows me so incredibly well. I am so thankful for everything he has done for me, and protected me from.  

What would you tell someone... even if you knew they would never have to find out? 

There is no pillow as soft as a clear conscience.

 

Back at Square One (not the big kahuna)

I want to create a visual. Lets start with this: somebody cuts you. Maybe on accident, maybe on purpose. Or, maybe not on purpose but for sure not on accident. But it is okay, because with time, wounds heal. Picture it, a cut healing. It bleeds a bit, then forms a scab, then eventually, new skin forms over top of it. Now, lets imagine that our cut is in the scab stage.. and it gets ripped off. It bleeds out and the healing process starts all over again. Now lets assume that you are so active that the scab is constantly getting ripped off.. it hurts and bleeds out every time.. until you eventually decide to stop doing whatever it is that makes this happen. I mean, so many things could go wrong in the healing process if you jump back in too quickly.. risk of infection, ugly scarring, itchiness, and pain. But it's so hard when you love something so much, to not do it even though you got hurt.  So maybe after a few times of leaving the wound open, you decide to cover it and treat it with some antibiotic ointment, and you get right back into action, this time with protection. For the first time.. after you finally start to treat your cut, it starts to heal, and you are back in the game. But then the same jerk who cut you in the first place decides to rip off the band aid and instead of just picking off the scab, picks up a knife and re-cuts the wound that has been reopened and healed so many times before...and before you know it, you're back at square one. 

 

It's coming

A pretty big post is coming. However I must regain some sleep that I have so unfortunately lost in the past two nights for undeserving reasons. 

But it's coming. 

As of now I will be going to sleep outside on my deck to get some sun. 

Random

So I had another fabulous evening as expected. However I am awake again.. oh well. I am sure with my C!M retreat quickly approaching this weekend my sleep schedule will get back on. I am so excited to start getting to know my C!M teammates. However I am slightly bummed that I have to miss my other offers this weekend :/ 

Satish, the other contributor to this blog, comes home from India tomorrow. I cannot wait to see him!! On monday, we are all gathering at Tina's to see each other again. I can't wait.

I just heard a super scary noise outside of my window. 

Skype time. eh... maybe I'll continue this later.. or maybe this is it. 

Yes I know this blog has no real relevance 

Awake

So it's a little past 5 am... and low and behold I am wide awake. Luckily I had about a hour and a half of sleep before I woke up...but now I just can't get back into a sleeping mode. I guess it's partially to do with everything on my mind..or maybe it's the throbbing headache. So this is a last ditch effort to purge a bit of that... or maybe just pass time until it's time to be up again. 

There is this shampoo infomerical currently on the television in the room I am "sleeping" in. 

After everyone has gone to sleep.. I am still awake.

I just want to sleep... that is all. I just want to be able to turn off my head for a bit. Maybe it starts with turning off my phone. Maybe it starts with turning off the tv. whatever it starts with it just needs to start. I just want to sleep.