Today was messy. Today became ritualistic.
Today, it's scary how easily you can fall back into yesterday's habits.
I woke up this morning with such a different feeling. I had a dream.. a very very familiar dream that I have had about 30 (not exaggerating) times. When I had this dream before, it was the same concept night after night. It stopped shortly after school started in Fall 2009. To have this dream last night was pretty random to say the least, but I woke up feeling the same way I did every time previously; full, hopeful, and very sad it was just a dream.
Being full is such an interesting feeling. From being physically full, to mentally full, to socially full; there are so many aspects of our lives where we can consider ourselves filled to capacity. When you spend so much time being empty or incomplete, as soon as that starts to change, it can become uncomfortable. Fighting against completion is only natural, or so I am telling myself. It's a strange thought, being full, a thought that I've never really entertained. Maybe that is why I am fighting against it, because I've never felt what full feels like.
I am on my way there... to becoming whole that is. There will be a day when I realize that I deserve everything I aspire for. When that day comes (in the near future I believe) I will make my way to the couch after a meal, watch the Tigers game, and allow myself to be content.
As it hit the porcelain base, and I pushed it into the drain with the end of an old tooth brush... it became messy again. I can't deal with messy, so I used some comet. It has to stop, before it starts running on autopilot.