Monday, May 31, 2010

Entertainment for the Lobster

As you all know, I have been a sun worshiper lately. My skin has turned a nice golden brown and I have been enjoying not looking like a ghost. Sadly, the first day at Lake Michigan I didn't get any additional color accept a little splotch of pink on my shoulders. Yesterday however, I got fried. My legs literally felt as if they were on fire as soon as I got out of the sun. My face was blood red, and I was hopeful that it would go away come today. However, as I was flipping around in my bed last night, I forgot how bad the burn was and landed in pain every time. I woke up this morning completely sick to my stomach, a fever of 102, a sniffly nose, and felt as if my entire body had been skinned. My legs and face still have a surface temperature of 105 and still look completely blood red. I haven't had this bad of a burn since the British Virgin Islands, 2004, when I had a horrible case of sun poisioning. 

So now I am thankful that this Memorial Day is sucky because I am stuck in bed, pushing the fluids with my legs wrapped in cool, but dry dressings. Taking a shower was probably the worst idea I have had in a while, seeing how blisters formed shortly thereafter. I am so bored and I hate just laying in bed. Your entertainment is and would be greatly appreciated.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Feels Like Home

When I found out that I was living on North Campus for freshman year I was beyond pissed. I was irate... SO MAD. I signed up for room swap instantly and actually had a room all picked out in Oxford. But then... I'm not exactly sure what happened, but things fell through and I just decided to accept the fact that I was living in Bursley. It wouldn't have hurt as much I think if I didn't apply to that stupid living learning community in Alice Lloyd... gosh I would have been sucha dork had I lived in Lloyd. But anyways..... I accepted it.

Upon move in day I was actually pleasantly surprised at how different (and nicer) it was than Markley, where I had lived for the summer. I was the very first person in my hall and because of that fact (I moved in 3 days before actual move in day) I just dropped stuff off and went back "home." If you would have asked me then I would have had no idea that that empty hall, 4th Van Hoosen, would become my home. 

I joked around with my parents saying that I would have an easy time remembering which hall I was in because it had Van in the name. But if I am being honest, every time I approached the end of the east connector and saw the signs pointing to which way the halls went... I was thankful that I didn't see Van Duren at the beginning of the year because those Vans would have confused the heck out of me. 

I have to admit that the first few days in the hall I was not very hopeful. I had a friend in 2nd Van Hoosen and hung out with those girls a lot. My roommate and I had made friends with the "tall guys" across the hall, one had a pretty impressive beard. Again.. if you would have asked me then I would have never been able to guess that I would have been doing one of those guy's laundry mid-semester. Other than that, we didn't talk to anybody. We went to dinner just us two for a couple days... and then the first football game came. 

I had told Joe, who at the time went by "Joe Hall," that I was so sad I didn't get football tickets. On that first football saturday, when everyone was making their way down the Big House.. I was super depressed. However, Joe called me randomly from a Bursley Baits bus saying that a girl would sell me her extra ticket that her roommate had, and she happened to live in 2nd Van Hoosen. Talk about fucking fate right there. Getting a ticket to that first football game was the start to a lot, a lot of things. I went to the game with my roommate, my neighbor, and a friend of his. When he told me her name I actually remember myself thinking of lots of suckers and various pieces of gum. My roommate left the game early... leaving me with our neighbor and quite honestly I didn't really know what to do with him because I hadn't really talked to him before this point. So, we walked home together, or to the bus stop I should say, and actually had a pretty deep conversation for sitting curbside. We went back to the Burs and I decided to treat us to our first of many Blue Apple pizzas that my neighbor sooooo promised he'd return the favor sometime in the year, and since it was the beginning I believed him.... but I'm still waiting on that whole pizza :P

That night the very, very first brick of the next 8 months was laid. I remember it like it was yesterday. The receptors in my nose still hadn't adjusted to the smell of the dorm yet, and it was rather warm inside. I can remember laying in my bed, with my mysterious new neighbor along side of me. We chatted for a while, but there was an instant, where we both locked eyes, and in that moment of time, we were stuck. We were completely lost in each other, or at least I was completely lost in him. I remember looking into his eyes feeling like I had known him for years, but yet knew absolutely nothing about him, or what would happen in the next 8 months. I still believe that it was that moment, before I knew anything about him or even myself, that I fell completely in love with him. Even though I claim that I didn't know it then, apart of me did. 

It was after my relationship with my mysterious neighbor developed that I had the confidence to reach out to other people in the hall. But it wasn't really until the Ohio State game that I met my true soul mates. For some odd reason this girl a couple of rooms down from me came into Joe's room as we were playing COD and started talking about this guy named Steven (not her boyfriend)... who I happened to have had history with... and that led us into a tour of her room. I was honestly a little scared when I walked in and saw all these signs all over the place saying things like "Sweat before you get wet" or "Don't Eat That" well maybe not those exact words but you get the point. Turns out however, once they pulled out their No No Box I fell in love again... only with these girls, and I knew that we had to be friends. Little did they know I had a No No Drawer of my own. They came to my birthday dinner, made me cute cards and gave me a random assortment of party things. From there on, our friendship with each other only blossomed. I now consider these two girls, or "The Celebrities of the Hall," my absolute best friends who are going to be at my fucking wedding. 

Then there was muffin boy. I was sitting out in the elevator lobby by myself studying when this dark boy, who happened to have very western facial features, offered me a muffin. I couldn't resist, and within 5 minutes he had his chair, book bag, and bag full of muffins out at the table with me. It was the start of a beautiful friendship. Like said before, there was just this moment where I made a note to myself that I knew that I would look back on, and that it would make sense. This boy has put up with SO much of my crap I can't even begin to explain. From being my on call, 24 hours a day 7 days a week shrink, to holding my vomit bag in the back of the cab.. to rubbing my back and drying my tears when my heart got shattered so many times.. to never saying "I told you so," somewhere in between all of that, muffin boy also became one of my best friends. Thus, "Cause we're the 5 best friends that anyone could have" originated. 

I could go on for paragraphs and paragraphs about what an amazing 8 months it was living in 4th Van Hoosen, but I think it was pretty self explanatory in the ones above. The thing is, I was so upset when I found out I was living on North Campus, thought of it as a death sentence nonetheless. Something that appeared to be so horrible and tragic, turned out to be one of the best, if not the best experience of my life thus far. There are so many individuals in 4VH whose presence in my life shaped who I am today; and for that I will forever be grateful. My roommate, who taught me to be tolerable. The tall guys across from me, who were my protectors. My mysterious neighbor, who I am still completely in love with and still remains a mystery to me. My Big Mike and Little Robbie who always provided me with a laugh on the way to the bathroom as they stared into their computers. My one ZTA sister, who kept my crown on straight. My second best, who gave great massages and would do just about anything for me. My son, who kept quiet even when I didn't (whoops :P). My GALEN, who is too righteous for any other name but her own, that allowed me to sleep in her bed after nights I couldn't exactly make it up to mine. My R.A., who provided me with tons of advice and balloon animals (they get expensive!) My Sergeant Snacky, who provided my drunken nights with "pizza nuggets." My fellow redheads, who made me less self conscious about my own head of red. 

And my best friends: muffin boy and the celebrities of the hall, who loved me when it was hard to love myself.

The point is; sometimes something happens that seems like the end of the world... but it's what you make of it. Something great can come from just about anything, if you want it to. Maybe something that hurts so much now... in a few months from now will finally make sense... and in that moment of realization..it will all be worth it. 

It may seem like the end of the world now, but in reality it may only be the beginning. 

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Creepin' Up

It's hard when so many things around you make you want to use. It could be something as simple as hearing a song, finding an old t-shirt, coming across a picture, or even just laying in bed. It doesn't matter what you do, how hard you try, if you really stop thinking about the hectic life around you.. it'll creep up. It'll slowly enter your conscious and sooner than you know it, it's all you can think about. Why is it so easy one moment, but so hard the next? And why is it so easy to go from one to the other. Even though you are aware of the reality that you are an addict, and that you need the drug, not the other way around, you can't hope that maybe someday.... it will need you. 

To go completely off topic, I never thought I would grow so attached to "aquacise." It has become the highlight of my week. The old women are just so happy to see me, and I got to help instruct the class today. However, if I take one thing from this class it's this: do not talk to anyone over the age of 65 about politics. You will not win. 

Heroine

The thing about drugs is that they trick you into believing you need them. That with out them, your life will be painful. Once you become addicted, you need the drug. It doesn't need you... and that is the way it will always be. A hopeless addict... shooting up at the littlest sign of discomfort. You hope that the drugs will fill that part of you that is missing.. that makes you want to use in the first place. But then you realize... especially after you see life without it.. that it doesn't really fill anything at all. 

The high wears off. It goes away; and you're stuck wanting more. It's only temporary... coming and going when it pleases. And then... when you least expect it, the urge to use is back almost as soon as it left. The only way to make it return is to surrender to it... to tell it you need it, tell it you want it and track it down, wait up for it into the darkest hours of the morning, tell it your sorry you went away. You're an addict... you'll do whatever it takes to get it back in your hands, even though it will do nothing to stay there. 

You are exactly my brand of heroine. 

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Toolbox

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now. 

No I don't. Yes I do. I don't know. I want more than anything to feel like I can call you, talk to you, text you, feel like you haven't just disappeared from my life. But at the same time I'm so angry. But at the same time I miss you. But at the same time I don't want to talk to you. But at the same time the only thing I want is to talk to you. 

It's like a drug. Not a good drug, a bad one. You become addicted to it. You know it's so bad for you but once you're addicted... you need it to function. It becomes apart of who you are, it tells you you don't deserve better. It wants you to need it. Then something happens that makes you want to quit.. and you do. But then, the withdrawals kick in. You want more than anything to kill the urge by using, and it would be so, so easy to. All you would have to do is just shoot up.. and the pain is gone. It would feel so good. But you fight it because you know it's for the best... and that you'll get your life back on track. The pain you have to endure now is only temporary. You suffer a little bit now, in order to feel better later.

But it sure would feel good, to feel good now.   

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Big Kahuna

What would you keep from someone... if you knew that they'd never find out? 


Good friends tell friends things they should know. Good friends also keep things from friends until the time is right. Today, more than two months after...the time was right, and though I wish I would have knew sooner... a part of me is glad that I didn't. For once someone protected me from the truth. Because quite honestly... before this weekend, I probably couldn't have handled that piece of information. It's funny how certain people know you better than you know your self sometimes. I'm glad I know now.. and it's just one more of the many reasons as to why this is right. 


I hate hurting. I absolutely hate it. I wish I could just forgive like before... and move on. I wish that I could let go as easily as before... but this time it's not like that. See, every time that I forgive and move forward... there have been no repercussions for what has happened. Kind of like a get out of jail free card times seven. If any one is to blame for me getting hurt.. it is me. I let this happen to myself...I was trusting and I believed...and what happens.. the same thing that has happened multiple times before. That's what happens when you truly love someone; you get hurt. That's what happens when you don't truly love someone; you hurt them


History tends to repeat itself. So why am I so naive to think that it wouldn't just one more time? People don't just change. People lie. It's not that people can't, it's they don't want to. It's not that people forget, it's that it wasn't important enough to remember. Some people obtain happiness by receiving, and some people obtain happiness by giving. Which one are you?


One day.... I won't have to protect my heart from the person I love.... they'll want to protect it for me. Not only from them, but from the rest of the world and all the horrible things in it. One day there will be a person who couldn't imagine of ever hurting me...and will make it their sole purpose not to. One day someone will rightfully earn my trust, and not expect me to just believe in something that hasn't ever been shown. One day someone will be understanding and patient if they break my trust...and not get mad if I'm upset. One day someone will look at me and see more than enough, actually, they will see SO MUCH, and not emptiness. One day someone will come home with a piece of oreo cheesecake for me just because, and not because I had to ask (I said just because right?). One day someone will provide me with some metaphorical super glue to keep all the pieces of my heart together, instead of smashing it with a hammer. One day..someone will come along and make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else before.....and i'll believe it.


It'd be easy for me to deal with this situation exactly how I have in the past.... get mopey for a week or two..don't eat...etc etc.. but it's not going to be like that. In fact, I won't allow it to be like that. I looked back at my posts from when I was in a very similar, well almost exact situation a few weeks ago and decided to remind myself of my own advice. It is as followed: 


 "This is me damn it! I look the way I look, and my hair may not be one color but I find it intriguing. I think the way I think, I feel the way I feel, and I love the way I love.  I am a whole complex. Take me... or leave me. Accept me.. or walk away. You can sit and cry over the people who don't want you, or you can dream of the person that will. I'd much rather wait for the person who can assure me I'm everything (even if I am not), than to settle for someone who constantly questions if I am. 


I am good enough. And one day... someone will see that. But as of right now.. the only person I have to be good enough for, is myself. 

And I am."


On a happy note. Today was great. I spent most of it with Saddish. I never knew it was possible to miss someone that much. It is truly relieving to know I have such a great friend who knows me so incredibly well. I am so thankful for everything he has done for me, and protected me from.  


What would you tell someone... even if you knew they would never have to find out? 

There is no pillow as soft as a clear conscience.

 

Back at Square One (not the big kahuna)



I want to create a visual. Lets start with this: somebody cuts you. Maybe on accident, maybe on purpose. Or, maybe not on purpose but for sure not on accident. But it is okay, because with time, wounds heal. Picture it, a cut healing. It bleeds a bit, then forms a scab, then eventually, new skin forms over top of it. Now, lets imagine that our cut is in the scab stage.. and it gets ripped off. It bleeds out and the healing process starts all over again. Now lets assume that you are so active that the scab is constantly getting ripped off.. it hurts and bleeds out every time.. until you eventually decide to stop doing whatever it is that makes this happen. I mean, so many things could go wrong in the healing process if you jump back in too quickly.. risk of infection, ugly scarring, itchiness, and pain. But it's so hard when you love something so much, to not do it even though you got hurt.  So maybe after a few times of leaving the wound open, you decide to cover it and treat it with some antibiotic ointment, and you get right back into action, this time with protection. For the first time.. after you finally start to treat your cut, it starts to heal, and you are back in the game. But then the same jerk who cut you in the first place decides to rip off the band aid and instead of just picking off the scab, picks up a knife and re-cuts the wound that has been reopened and healed so many times before...and before you know it, you're back at square one. 
 





Sunday, May 23, 2010

It's coming

A pretty big post is coming. However I must regain some sleep that I have so unfortunately lost in the past two nights for undeserving reasons. 

But it's coming. 

As of now I will be going to sleep outside on my deck to get some sun. 

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Random

So I had another fabulous evening as expected. However I am awake again.. oh well. I am sure with my C!M retreat quickly approaching this weekend my sleep schedule will get back on. I am so excited to start getting to know my C!M teammates. However I am slightly bummed that I have to miss my other offers this weekend :/ 

Satish, the other contributor to this blog, comes home from India tomorrow. I cannot wait to see him!! On monday, we are all gathering at Tina's to see each other again. I can't wait.

I just heard a super scary noise outside of my window. 

Skype time. eh... maybe I'll continue this later.. or maybe this is it. 

Yes I know this blog has no real relevance 

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Awake

So it's a little past 5 am... and low and behold I am wide awake. Luckily I had about a hour and a half of sleep before I woke up...but now I just can't get back into a sleeping mode. I guess it's partially to do with everything on my mind..or maybe it's the throbbing headache. So this is a last ditch effort to purge a bit of that... or maybe just pass time until it's time to be up again. 

There is this shampoo infomerical currently on the television in the room I am "sleeping" in. 

After everyone has gone to sleep.. I am still awake.

I just want to sleep... that is all. I just want to be able to turn off my head for a bit. Maybe it starts with turning off my phone. Maybe it starts with turning off the tv. whatever it starts with it just needs to start. I just want to sleep. 

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Like A Virgin

video
When you're bored....
It's better to be bored with someone you've been bored with for 13 years

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Exposed



I feel the need to give my sandwich at lunch credit. It was just that good. I am not sure what it was.. but the chicken was just so tasty. Our waitress was super peppy. My uncle and I kept mocking her when she'd come to the table :) It was fun.

I'm not exactly sure what is going on. Usually I have a distinct feeling about something.. but I'm not so sure. There are so many possible outcomes to any situation and it's scary to think about how just one choice could take you down a completely different path; and change everything.

Sometimes I feel like I'm reaching for something that isn't really there. That's the thing about love; reaching for another person is to risk involvement, to expose your true feelings and your true self, but most importantly it's risking not being loved in return. But I guess the worst thing you can do is not try, to be fully aware of what you want and not give in to it... to spend countless days with suppressed feelings.. wondering if something could have been.. and never truly knowing.

Monday, May 10, 2010

?

Usually this comes relatively easy to me, blogging that is. I usually create a post with some sort of theme or idea in mind.. but this one.. I dont know.. is a little different. 

The thing is I really don't know what to say... partially because I don't know what to think.  Sometimes I get confused with what I think is really obvious.. but it's been proven countless times before that most times when I think something is really obvious, it obviously isn't. 

My heart has never been in one complete piece. Which I guess, looking back on it now, I can see how it could be shattered so easily before. It's hard to keep a thousand pieces in your hands before they all slip through and scatter about the floor, than to hold one solid piece. But it's okay, because that is the direction that I am heading in.. to be whole... and nothing will get in the way of that again. 

All I can be right now is happy.... truthful... and in the mindset of whatever happens...happens.

LOVE


"Would it be super slutty to hook up with a hot Israeli soldier and blow him for practice?" - an anonymous friend

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Maybe It's Mars

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." 

Last night was fabulous. It's been a while since I have had a genuine good time. Though I had tendencies to be extremely awkward...it's often just enough to be in the presence of another person. You don't have to touch them or kiss them. Talking is enough. There is a moment that passes through the both of you, where there is a mutual understanding that you are not alone. 

 These past few weeks haven't been the easiest, and I would do anything for the hurt inside to dissipate. A lot of people say they want to get rid of pain. I'm sure that is true, but most aren't willing to make healing a priority. They aren't willing to look inside themselves to the see the true source of their pain, in order to deal with it. 

It's finally come to that point that I begin to forgive those who have hurt me, in order to truly heal. Forgiveness doesn't erase a bitter past. A healed memory is not deleted one. Forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the way we look on the memories of our past, in hope for a better future. Holding resentment towards others binds you to that person with a link stronger than steel. Forgiveness is releasing a prisoner that you didn't know was yourself. Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with the expectation that the other person will apologize or change. You cannot worry yourself with whether or not they finally understand you. Love, and release them. Life will always feed back the truth to people in its own way, and time. You can forgive someone for almost anything. But you should not tolerate everything. Just because we forgive what people do, doesn't mean we have to tolerate it. Forgiveness heals us personally. 

In a way, to forgive is only for the courageous. It is for those who are strong enough to confront their pain, and accept themselves as forever altered. I feel sorry for the numerous individuals who are satisfied to continue on with life resenting and hating people who have wronged them. Why? Because I know I have wronged people too, and I am thankful for those who have found it in their heart to forgive me. Those who cannot forgive broil in their own poison, and continuously contaminate the people that surround them. To be a forgiver on the other hand, they deny the possibility that their lives will be determined by the unjust actions of any person. Forgiveness is giving up that possibility for a better past.



Friday, May 7, 2010

Can't Have Your Cake....

Everything you decide to do is what you want to do, there is nothing anyone has to do. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that when you are at a loss of what to do, you should do nothing until you figure out exactly what the next plan of action should be. Because fact is, sometimes you feel as if you are pressed up against the wall, and you have to make a decision. You never have to do anything. Don't know what to do? Do nothing. Wait it out. 

There is only so much more tugging on my heart I can take. I don't know left from right, up from down, and right from wrong when it comes to this situation. I am just at a loss of which step is the right one. There is only so much I can give without receiving anything in return before I run out of supply. I can't be there for everyone when they need me, and pushed to the side when the tables are turned. I can't be there when it's convenient and forgotten when better plans arise. No one can have their cake, and eat it too. 

I have faith that God can heal anything. 

Thursday, May 6, 2010

As lost As Easter Eggs

I could have gotten drunk off his breath. 

Breakdowns can inspire breakthroughs. It's hard to go to a house that is only half a home. Not having a concrete place to call home has made me feel very uncomfortable. I have started to develop feelings of over staying my welcome here with my grandparents. It is absolutely nothing that they are doing or saying, just an empty assumption I am making. I am not someone to consistently take from anyone. I just feel so out of place, but yet right at home. Right now this is all that I have that is consistent, but even it has its flaws.  

It absolutely breaks my heart to see my parents in so much pain and discomfort. I wish I could just fix everything. It breaks my heart even more that it hurts them that I cannot stand to live with either of them. I wish I could, but I can't. 

I can't believe how much I am like my sister. It's not even so much that we are exactly alike, we just have this understanding of each other that I have never experienced before. For once in my life, I feel like I am not an only child. She understands me, she loves me, and most importantly she accepts me. I am so sad to see her go on sunday. 

To those who are struggling as much as I am with things, or with anything, hear me out:
The absolute truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, unwelcomed, or unfulfilled. It is only in such moments, ones that are provoked by discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our comfort zone and start searching for more productive ways and truer answers. 


Lean on Me


This video is dedicated to my 3 girls: Eliana Gershon, Christina Bender, and Mary Bender


video

3 am



I miss you. 


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Blame it on the Weatherman


I woke up today to another beautiful, sunny morning. What about the rain that was predicted for today? Who knows.. but I most certainly will not be concerning myself with why there is no rain. It's hard not to be happy when it is beautiful outside with not a cloud in the sky. So much for me ever believing a word from the Weather Channel again.

So many things are going on in my life at this point; from having my heart absolutely shattered into a million pieces... from being pulled from both directions by my separated parents, and dealing with my grandfather's cancer while I am living with them. It is all a lot of weight to bear. I have faith however that God lets us experience the low parts in our lives in order to learn lessons we couldn't any other way. The way we learn is not to deny our feelings, but rather find the underlying meaning and strength in them. 

It's difficult when someone tells you you are not what they want, when all you have ever done is try to be it all. When I think back on past experiences.. I don't understand. I don't understand what could have been better, what I could have done more. One day I hope that I will be able to be something special to someone, and one day I hope someone will love me as much as I love them. It is hard to think the world of someone, it's hard to know you would do anything for someone, and they can't return any of it. The love that lasts the longest is the one that is never returned. Ask me why I love someone when it's so clear they don't feel the same.. well just like I can't force anyone to love me, I can't force myself to stop. I never knew that it could hurt so bad to lose something that I never had in the first place. 

As much as I wish things could work and as much as I wish none of this had ever happened.. it did. And as far as I'm concerned.. I'm done having to constantly prove myself worthy. I'm done having to deny parts of myself in order to avoid conflict. And though I may not be worthy to you, or the next person, one day someone (I hope) will find me worthy. As the lovely Marilyn Monroe said, "I am selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" and thats how it has to be. Be with someone who loves all of you for everything you are...broken pieces and all. You can't expect to have it together 100% of the time. The broken pieces shape who we are, and who we will become. Embrace them. Don't be ashamed. 

There comes a point where you realize: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, and my hair may not be one color but I find it intriguing. I think the way I think, I feel the way I feel, and I love the way I love.  I am a whole complex. Take me... or leave me. Accept me.. or walk away. Do not try to make me feel like less of a person because I do not fit what you need me to be. Being in love with someone isn't about a person being everything that you need. No one single person should hold that responsibility.. of being everything. Being in love means being with someone who makes you so incredibly happy, while still having other outlets of happiness. 

Moral of that paragraph: You can sit and cry over the people who don't want you, or you can dream of the person that will. I'd much rather wait for the person who can assure me I'm everything (even if I am not), than to settle for someone who constantly questions if I am. 

I am good enough. And one day... someone will see that. But as of right now.. the only person I have to be good enough for, is myself. 

And I am



Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Chocolate Covered Sunshine

Today was wonderful. I went to sleep last night at 10 pm and slept straight through until 10 am. I don't have much to do now except be concerned with myself. I have not been doing much lately except laying out and working out. My hair is getting a bit bleached out and my skin is bronzing over naturally (for once). I don't know if I'm exercising too much.. but who cares? What else is there to do. For once I don't have to worry about who is and isn't calling, what tests to study for, what taping techniques to practice. Sometimes you just gotta do your own thing no matter what anyone says. It's your life. 

Nothing is sweeter than summer time. I have found peace in reading outside on my deck in the sunshine. It has been absolutely beautiful lately, and I appreciate every minute of it. I have found a new love for chocolate covered raisins. They claim to be "chocolate covered sunshine" because of all the antioxidants. Chocolate & Sunshine.. two of my favorite things. Today my grandpa and I sat in the sun and listened to some music together. He offered to fund a vacation for my grandma, my mom and I to go where ever we want. I think we may just take him up on that offer. I suggested Africa.. but my traditional grandma didn't think that was such a "swell" idea.

I've been trying my hardest to stay positive and upbeat. Happiness is a choice, and it isn't going to just come to you, especially if you don't reach for it. It's hard to think past the fact that happiness isn't about getting what you don't have or have lost, but rather appreciating what you do have. The ability to be happy doesn't come from the absence of problems, but rather the capability to deal with them. No matter who you are, where you are, what you are, or who you are with..none will ever bring you happiness on their own, it's what you think about those things that makes the difference. Nothing can bring you happiness besides yourself.

My sister is coming to visit with the kids at the end of the week. I cannot express how excited I am to see her. It has been almost ten years. 

Tomorrow I am going to MSU. Should be a good time. 

"American Honey" -Lady Antebellum 

Woodchucks and Apple Blossoms

"May the raindrops fall lightly on your brow. 
May the soft winds freshen your spirit 
May the sunshine brighten your heart
May the burdens of the day rest lightly upon you
and may God enfold you in the mantle of His love" 
-Irish Blessing 

Yesterday I spent way too much time in the sun. However, the Vitamin D did wonders for my mood. I tend to embrace the day time. My mood goes down with the sun. I now tend to give credit to the things that I easily surpassed before. For example, the sunshine, the apple blossom trees, and even the little woodchucks running across the road. It's not like I never saw these things before, I just never took the time to truly appreciate them. 

Today, I have yet another blessed day full of sunshine waiting for me. 




Monday, May 3, 2010

Defying Gravity

It's amazing the life lessons you can learn from Glee. So far I've just been singing it out (not well may I add) since I have this big house to myself. Anyways, Defying Gravity seems to be the most appropriate song for me at the moment, and I thought this would be a perfect time to debut a video. I have added the lyrics below for your convenience. 

 
video

Something has changed within me something is not the same 
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game 
Too late for
second-guessing.. too late to go back to sleep 
It's time to
trust my instincts close my eyes.. and leap 

It's time to try defying gravity 
I think I'll try defying gravity 
Kiss me
goodbye I am defying gravity 
And you wont bring me down 

I'm through accepting limits  'cause someone says they're so 
Some things I cannot change but till I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost 
well, if that's love it comes at much too high a cost 

I'd sooner buy defying gravity 
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity 
I think I'll try defying gravity 
And you wont bring me down 

I'd sooner buy defying gravity 
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity 
I think I'll try defying gravity 
And you won't bring me down 

Open Spaces

The more I think about it... the more uncertainty isn't that uncertain. It's predictable, it's the only thing that is 100%. It's hard to have things that are unsettled in your heart, things that can't be answered. We try to assign answers to the unanswered questions because it gives a temporary belief we that we have answers to everything. The reality is though; we don't. We can't answer life's bigger mysteries of why things happen the way that they do. If we could, it would take away the magic of life. The open spaces of life are scary, but yet they give you exactly what you need to grow. If we are constantly growing, we are constantly out of our comfort zone. Curiosity is the heart of life. Wide open spaces give you that push to run and explore.. and sooner than you know it all you'll want to do is keep running..


Nothing in life should be forced, especially not love. It should come easy, it should be uplifting, and most importantly, all enduring. 

It is easy when things go well in ones life to accept those things as they come, without trying to figure out why. But when they go wrong, for some reason, we continually search for an answer why. 

The pain we feel when someone leaves our life is in direct proportion to the joy they bring while apart of it. When all is said and done, those that I have loved became apart of me. That was the way it was meant to be. People are brought together for a reason, everything happens for a reason. I believe that the reason some of us were brought together was to complete one another in different ways. We fill each other's empty spaces with love. And if someday God decides to tear us apart, I trust that there is a reason. Because if there is a reason for love, no matter how long it lasts, there is a reason for life beyond it. 

On a happy note, I will attempt to get in the habit of posting something positive at the end of every post: Cedar Point 5/16 


Only Temporary

The thing about pain is that it sucks. There really isn't much you can do about it.. when you feel so utterly low. I pray for the point where I feel nothing at all. But is that really the point? To feel nothing? If I didn't know sorrow... I sure as hell wouldn't be able to identify happiness. Though I would do anything to make what I am feeling go away now.. it kind of gives proof that whatever it is that is making me so sad, at one point made me so extremely happy. Think about it... you don't cry over an ugly sweater being bleached out in the wash.. but its devastating when that $120 cashmere sweater shrinks up for the first time in the wash because dad doesn't know how to wash clothes. 

All I am saying is that yeah..... I'm going to feel like shit sometimes... and as it looks now.. most of the time. But its only temporary.. like everything in life.