I woke up today to another beautiful, sunny morning. What about the rain that was predicted for today? Who knows.. but I most certainly will not be concerning myself with why there is no rain. It's hard not to be happy when it is beautiful outside with not a cloud in the sky. So much for me ever believing a word from the Weather Channel again.
So many things are going on in my life at this point; from having my heart absolutely shattered into a million pieces... from being pulled from both directions by my separated parents, and dealing with my grandfather's cancer while I am living with them. It is all a lot of weight to bear. I have faith however that God lets us experience the low parts in our lives in order to learn lessons we couldn't any other way. The way we learn is not to deny our feelings, but rather find the underlying meaning and strength in them.
It's difficult when someone tells you you are not what they want, when all you have ever done is try to be it all. When I think back on past experiences.. I don't understand. I don't understand what could have been better, what I could have done more. One day I hope that I will be able to be something special to someone, and one day I hope someone will love me as much as I love them. It is hard to think the world of someone, it's hard to know you would do anything for someone, and they can't return any of it. The love that lasts the longest is the one that is never returned. Ask me why I love someone when it's so clear they don't feel the same.. well just like I can't force anyone to love me, I can't force myself to stop. I never knew that it could hurt so bad to lose something that I never had in the first place.
As much as I wish things could work and as much as I wish none of this had ever happened.. it did. And as far as I'm concerned.. I'm done having to constantly prove myself worthy. I'm done having to deny parts of myself in order to avoid conflict. And though I may not be worthy to you, or the next person, one day someone (I hope) will find me worthy. As the lovely Marilyn Monroe said, "I am selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" and thats how it has to be. Be with someone who loves all of you for everything you are...broken pieces and all. You can't expect to have it together 100% of the time. The broken pieces shape who we are, and who we will become. Embrace them. Don't be ashamed.
There comes a point where you realize: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, and my hair may not be one color but I find it intriguing. I think the way I think, I feel the way I feel, and I love the way I love. I am a whole complex. Take me... or leave me. Accept me.. or walk away. Do not try to make me feel like less of a person because I do not fit what you need me to be. Being in love with someone isn't about a person being everything that you need. No one single person should hold that responsibility.. of being everything. Being in love means being with someone who makes you so incredibly happy, while still having other outlets of happiness.
Moral of that paragraph: You can sit and cry over the people who don't want you, or you can dream of the person that will. I'd much rather wait for the person who can assure me I'm everything (even if I am not), than to settle for someone who constantly questions if I am.
I am good enough. And one day... someone will see that. But as of right now.. the only person I have to be good enough for, is myself.
And I am.