Monday, May 24, 2010

The Big Kahuna

What would you keep from someone... if you knew that they'd never find out? 

Good friends tell friends things they should know. Good friends also keep things from friends until the time is right. Today, more than two months after...the time was right, and though I wish I would have knew sooner... a part of me is glad that I didn't. For once someone protected me from the truth. Because quite honestly... before this weekend, I probably couldn't have handled that piece of information. It's funny how certain people know you better than you know your self sometimes. I'm glad I know now.. and it's just one more of the many reasons as to why this is right. 

I hate hurting. I absolutely hate it. I wish I could just forgive like before... and move on. I wish that I could let go as easily as before... but this time it's not like that. See, every time that I forgive and move forward... there have been no repercussions for what has happened. Kind of like a get out of jail free card times seven. If any one is to blame for me getting hurt.. it is me. I let this happen to myself...I was trusting and I believed...and what happens.. the same thing that has happened multiple times before. That's what happens when you truly love someone; you get hurt. That's what happens when you don't truly love someone; you hurt them

History tends to repeat itself. So why am I so naive to think that it wouldn't just one more time? People don't just change. People lie. It's not that people can't, it's they don't want to. It's not that people forget, it's that it wasn't important enough to remember. Some people obtain happiness by receiving, and some people obtain happiness by giving. Which one are you?

One day.... I won't have to protect my heart from the person I love.... they'll want to protect it for me. Not only from them, but from the rest of the world and all the horrible things in it. One day there will be a person who couldn't imagine of ever hurting me...and will make it their sole purpose not to. One day someone will rightfully earn my trust, and not expect me to just believe in something that hasn't ever been shown. One day someone will be understanding and patient if they break my trust...and not get mad if I'm upset. One day someone will look at me and see more than enough, actually, they will see SO MUCH, and not emptiness. One day someone will come home with a piece of oreo cheesecake for me just because, and not because I had to ask (I said just because right?). One day someone will provide me with some metaphorical super glue to keep all the pieces of my heart together, instead of smashing it with a hammer. One day..someone will come along and make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else before.....and i'll believe it.

It'd be easy for me to deal with this situation exactly how I have in the past.... get mopey for a week or two..don't eat...etc etc.. but it's not going to be like that. In fact, I won't allow it to be like that. I looked back at my posts from when I was in a very similar, well almost exact situation a few weeks ago and decided to remind myself of my own advice. It is as followed: 

 "This is me damn it! I look the way I look, and my hair may not be one color but I find it intriguing. I think the way I think, I feel the way I feel, and I love the way I love.  I am a whole complex. Take me... or leave me. Accept me.. or walk away. You can sit and cry over the people who don't want you, or you can dream of the person that will. I'd much rather wait for the person who can assure me I'm everything (even if I am not), than to settle for someone who constantly questions if I am. 

I am good enough. And one day... someone will see that. But as of right now.. the only person I have to be good enough for, is myself. 

And I am."

On a happy note. Today was great. I spent most of it with Saddish. I never knew it was possible to miss someone that much. It is truly relieving to know I have such a great friend who knows me so incredibly well. I am so thankful for everything he has done for me, and protected me from.  

What would you tell someone... even if you knew they would never have to find out? 

There is no pillow as soft as a clear conscience.


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